201100521
Kim Seong Yeol
My life until now
I was born in June 7th 1991 as the oldest son. There are 4 members in my family; Mom, dad, and a sister who is now second grade of high school. We moved to Geojedo when I was about three, and I loved living there. I could play in the beachside whenever I wanted to, and could eat seafood which I really love anytime. For me it is an unforgettable childhood memory. When I was about seven, my family went to Romania in Europe because of my father's business and lived there about 2 and a half year. This is when I first started to study English. For a child who knew only 'yes' and 'no', living in a foreign country was challenging for me. But my parents encouraged me to study hard and so I could study a lot just as an ordinary Korean student. Moreover, among that period we traveled around many countries in Europe for more than a year. Although I traveled many countries such as France, Italy, U.K, and so on, I was too young to remember all the memories of traveling Europe. So I wish to go Europe once more that I can make more good memories. Anyway it was a great opportunity for me to learn much off-school education as well practical English. I came back to Korea at 10, and I'm living in Chang Dong since then. Thanks to my experience living abroad, I went to Daeil Foreign Language High School and could study in a good environment. However I failed to get high grade I wished to get at KSAT, so I had to study one more year for the next KSAT. It was a harsh time studying in an academy for another one year, in a restricted condition under a great stress that I have failed once. But in retrospect, I think it was an opportunity to look back on my life and know more about myself. In fact, my result of the second KSAT was not enough satisfying; actually it was not that different from my first KSAT score. However, I made up my mind to do my best whatever I'm meant to do, and I entered HUFS majoring in Business Administration, diligently doing my school work.
The good point of your writing is that I can easily unederstand flow of your life. Especially the line "I could play in the beachside whenever I wanted to, and could eat seafood which I really love anytime." describe well one of fantastic memory.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your main point seems not to be clear enough. It readers could concentrate better if you focus one event or specific days such as childhood.
The point I wished to appear on my writing was that I had special and unforgetable memories, like living in Europe or studying one more year for KSAT, and those memories made me developed and matured. But I think that I wanted to write too much things in just one paragraph so that it lost the clearance of the topic. So if I'm modifying my writing, I would focus my writing on the two main experiece, the Europe thing and the KSAT thing. I could start the writing with such paragraph "There were two big special and unforgatable memories in my life.". Then I would write the two things in the body part, and would conclude the writing with sentence like "Those two memories developed and matured me, and I think they were the most significant experience in my life."
ReplyDelete